I had such good intentions when I wrote my last post. I imagined I'd have weekends to myself, that I'd manage to find a nice, relatively easy job to earn enough to pay the bills. I imagined I'd have so much more time than I've been able to find.
I never thought I'd find myself thinking or writing this, but I miss my focus last year. I miss having a clear goal and seeing the path towards it. I'm so surprised that I find myself missing my thesis. And I don't think it's the thesis I miss as much as I miss having a central purpose.
I'm still waiting on examiner's reports. It's a strange interim time, where on the one hand you're incredibly proud of managing to submit a complete document, but on the other hand nothing is certain in terms of results - both what they will be and when they will come. It really is a strange waiting game, and one that's difficult to explain to anyone outside the bubble of academia.
There was a time when I wasn't physically able to work; a significant additional stress during an already challenging time. I am just now realising how much I've sacrificed of myself, my ability to earn money and save money, in order to complete my PhD - and it's not even finalised yet. I feel so far behind other people my age.
I rationally know that age is just a number; that 'progress' in terms of how society measures it is not something I should be measuring my success by. I rationally know that really not that many people start, continue, submit or complete a PhD, and I'm lucky to have had the opportunity to do so. But I've had to borrow more money from a wide range of supportive people in order to pay for the absolute basics - rent, medical care, food, heating, internet. I'm an independent person, and the psychological burden of this debt weighs on me.
Now I'm able to earn money by tutoring and teaching, but all my hours are dedicated to work for other people. I only love my job if I truly feel valued; and I don't often feel valued in my current various employments. I constantly feel like I have to "hustle" to make enough money so I don't feel guilty for being a financial burden on people around me, and that means I prioritise paid work over everything else, including work on my own research, which doesn't currently pay. I feel like I'm working for everyone else, when all I'd like to do is work for myself.
These are the realities of life for many people my age, and I know there's advantages to my current situation. I have a lot of flexibility in my schedule - almost too much to truly enjoy. I constantly have dreams of getting out of Dunedin, of visiting other places, of adventures; but I can't see how to make those dreams a reality with all the practical circumstances preventing me.
I think the main answer to all my current worries is time - time to rest, time to sleep better, time to do things I love with people I love. I am practicing patience, and being gentle on myself and people around me as I figure out what the next steps are.
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title from billy idol/tony james - dancing with myself. I think my favourite version is the Nouvelle Vague one, here
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